I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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