No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
