the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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