Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
