i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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