New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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