Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
