My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
