There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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