11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
