apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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