Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
