What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
