She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
