Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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