tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
