the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
