I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
