yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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