Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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