My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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