i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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