I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
