ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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