He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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