He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goatâ€
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