I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
where are you?
Hypothermia
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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