The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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