i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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