Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
