I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
