I just saw a hot homeless man
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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