i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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