I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
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