Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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