and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
