you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
