I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
