He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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