I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
