Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
