My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
