I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
