Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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