i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
