just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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