The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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