i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
