Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
