Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
