just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i love accidental penises.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
