Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
