He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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