Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He passed out mid-signature
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
