it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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