yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
