Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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