My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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