Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
