yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
