I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
