I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
