so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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