rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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