why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
